Transitions, a.k.a. "crossing over"

I am officially not an intern anymore and its great. First, my pager is no longer evil. Also, suddenly I get significantly more respect from nurses, which is sort of crazy because its only been 3 days, am I really that different of a person! But, also they all seem really proud of us for making it through which is nice. I get to operate A LOT more and I feel like I'm operating with the intent of truly teaching me to be a surgeon. I feel more like a part of something. I feel even closer to my class since there's less of us now and we work together more. I've been at work for crazy hours these last few days but it may also be the first 3 days straight that I want to stay. I hope the feeling doesn't wear off.

I love my new white coat and the the way the thick material hits the back of my knees. I feel people looking at me differently, although I'm sure its in my head. I have a coat with my name on it.

Additional reflections...

My last entry of intern year was a bit of a somber reflection. However, at the end of that call, my husband surprised me after my post-call nap with a steak dinner and a movie to celebrate my survival. He congratulated me on what an acheivement it was to finish intern year. He smiled proudly at me, and it made me look differently at what finishing this year means. He asked me to reflect on my intern year, he hadn't read my post, and with his smiling face I couldn't give my somber blog reply. So, I reflected on what I learned about myself, the specialties I think I may be leaning towards. The stuff I know and don't know. Talking about it made me realize how much I've learned and how far I've come in a year, and all while comfortably having a wonderful dinner, just me and my hubby.

I slept through half of the movie (I was tired and post call) but loved it just the same. When I got home I was surprised with a Carvel ice cream cake with a #1 candle on it. One year down!

Its been a while.

Tomorrow is my last call of intern year. The last call to hold the evil intern pager. The life of a surgery intern is drawing to a close. This year has been the most painful year of my life. However, now that I'm on the other side of it, everything feels like a blur -- like it happened a really long time ago and yesterday at the same time. At times this has felt like the longest year of my life. I have unfortunately wished many a day to pass by. I feel empty a lot. I'd like to say that at the same time its been awesome, but it hasn't. I love my fellow residents. I have been a part of some amazing operations. I have met patients that I will never forget. But, I have no hallmark greeting card insights. All I can say is that I survived. I am choosing to keep going. I believe on more days that not that the goal is worth it, even if the day by day journey doesn't seem to be.

I hope to keep writing in this blog as the life of a surgery intern becomes the life of a surgery resident. In 6 days I'll have a coat with my name on it and a new set of fears and responsibilities. Thanks for coming along with me for the ride so far.