Moving forward

I'm writing this blog at my new dining room table with its brand new set of chairs - ensemble completed today. After a year and a half in our pretty little house we finally actually have a table. I can't stop looking at it. I can't stop sitting at it. Finally this is starting to feel like home.

I'm adjusting, at least for now, to being here, to being a resident, to planning to finish what I've decided to get myself into. After a strong, energetic start to the year I've been in a pretty severe spiral of misery over the last few months. I have cried, often over nothing in particular, more than any normal human being should. But for the last few days I've been looking forward. I just got an abstract accepted for a poster presentation and I'm working on a new project now. I am finally formulating some career ideas. I feel like I have a few more tools to make it through.

Post call

I'm post call today. Most of the afternoon was spent sleeping with a brief break for football watching and now back to sleeping. This year I definitely feel like I'm in a constant daze - always either grinding it out at the hospital or home sleep or trying unsuccessfully not to fall asleep. Despite all this however, I'm finally start to feel more comfortable with this year. My first few nights on call this year I was terrified. Terrified of having to quickly place a line or help an intern with a chest tube, feeling unqualified to do it myself. But, I realized last night, that the fear is starting to subside. At some point during this year (which is flying by), I became confident in my little subset of second year appropriate tasks. My favorite moment last night was sitting out on the bench in the front of the hospital in the quiet rain and just taking in some air. I sat there for about 15 minutes with no pages. Deep breaths, regroup, keep going.