Inevitable, Part II

Two days later and my neck and shoulders are still cramping from the chest compressions. Two days later and I keep seeing blank eyes staring at me. Two days later and the answers still aren't clear. I spoke to this patient hours before she died, she smiled. Thats the face I see during daytime flashbacks, but in my dreams all I see is the blank stare of her eyes during the code. Two days later and I still don't feel anything.

Its a common question to physicians, "How do you deal with death, do you desensitize yourself to it?" I never understood how that could be possible, but two days after giving violent chest compressions, two days after someone told me "good job" despite the fact that the patient died, I still feel nothing. But the thing that gets lost in the idea of desensitized doctors is that feeling nothing is not feeling normal.

My mind, my body, my spirit seems out of sorts, but I don't know what to do about it. I have no tears, no words, there is nothing but the mountain of work before me.

Writing myself happy

Ok, so I'm descending deeper and deeper into a hole of misery and I'm officially declaring it done.  For the last few days I've found the misery to be more comfortable to any attempt at positivity, but enough already.  I keep focusing on everything that is horrible and letting the great stuff that happens just slide by.  I get so sad about not having time to spend with my husband that I'm polluting the little time we get. We both are, we're both so tired and overworked that we're shortchanging ourselves.   I'm writing it out, writing it over.  I embrace the parts of surgery that I love, I embrace happiness.  I embrace trusting myself and will hold to the belief that despite the negative and weak people in my work life, my hard work will ultimately speak for itself.  I am happy to go to work tomorrow.  I will learn.  I will have new experiences.  I will take steps towards becoming the surgeon I am meant to be.

A rant...

Its 10:00pm on Sunday and I refuse to go to sleep, refuse to allow more life to be taken away to the madness.  I have to be in around 4:30 or so tomorrow.  This week is going to be a rough one.  I'll have 3 long days this week and Saturday call so its pretty much bound to be a 100+ hour week.  I feel inept, I can't do this stuff fast enough, I don't know what to do with these people whose blood pressures won't go down.  I am sick of seeing people without legs.  People keep dying.  People who walk in the hospital looking normal but have a ticking time bomb in their belly.  Lately it seems instead of giving them a chance, we're just hastening their deaths.  I think I'd much rather die suddenly in my house after feeling fine, then die after a week on maximum support with organs and limbs successively being removed until by body gives up.  

I went to church today.  I needed it.  Needed it to make it through what will be a trying and very long week.  I needed a new way to look at all this.  I left church able to see a goal worth working towards, and for now all I have to do it get through this week.  I left knowing that when the time comes I will be able to draw some extra strength from somewhere.  I left feeling like I'm not going into this week all alone.

I still refuse to go to sleep.  I claim this time for me.

Hiatus...

I am on vascular, many of you will know what that means, I barely have the time or energy to breath, so I will likely postpone further posting until its done!