Inevitable, Part II

Two days later and my neck and shoulders are still cramping from the chest compressions. Two days later and I keep seeing blank eyes staring at me. Two days later and the answers still aren't clear. I spoke to this patient hours before she died, she smiled. Thats the face I see during daytime flashbacks, but in my dreams all I see is the blank stare of her eyes during the code. Two days later and I still don't feel anything.

Its a common question to physicians, "How do you deal with death, do you desensitize yourself to it?" I never understood how that could be possible, but two days after giving violent chest compressions, two days after someone told me "good job" despite the fact that the patient died, I still feel nothing. But the thing that gets lost in the idea of desensitized doctors is that feeling nothing is not feeling normal.

My mind, my body, my spirit seems out of sorts, but I don't know what to do about it. I have no tears, no words, there is nothing but the mountain of work before me.