just breathe

A couple days ago I was sitting on a window ledge, looking out on a cloudy day, falling apart on the phone to my mother.  I felt completely incapable of working a single second more.  I felt completely incapable of leaving that very spot.  My mom literally talked me off the ledge, I went back to work and it continued to be a terrible day until I called the admissions office about a kid who was getting admitted from a clinic visit.  The lady who always answers the phone has talked to me many times over this last year and I've never met her.  She asked me if I was okay.  I thought I was talking in my normal phone voice, but she told me I sounded terrible and she was worried about me because she always enjoys talking to me since I'm always pleasant when I call (a revelation to me).  And with that, I decided to stop sounding like crap, to stop looking like crap, and to stop feeling like crap.  The day didn't really get much better but now as I look back it felt like a turning point.  That same day one of the nurses on the floor gave me a pair of earrings because she overheard me say the other day that my crazy earrings are the one thing that keep me sane.  And now, just a few days later, I finally feel like I can breathe.

I hope this is the turning point in the year.  That I've reached the depth of my intern blues, I can't keep feeling like I'd been feeling.  I have this weekend off thanks to a random set of events. My husband and I are spending it being normal -  running errands, watching basketball,  shopping, cooking dinner.  I don't feel my usual pressure to make my rare weekends particularly amazing.  And finally I feel like Monday will come and I'll be okay.

Vacation again

Today is day 2 of my second vacation of the year.  I spent the morning writing notes that I didn't have time to write during my last two days of torture.  Now that the work stuff is done I finally feel free.  I go home in a few days.  I haven't been home in over a year.  I desperately need this break.

This last week was a hard week.  We have way too many patients for me to keep up with.  I felt like I was drowning all week, missed lots of meals, I barely had time to check my work e-mail even once in a day and literally felt guilty each time I went to the bathroom.  Each day I'd come home late and with work left to do.  Towards the middle of the week I wrote my husband a letter, during a time of clarity amidst madness, and I concluded that I don't want to do this.  That I LOVE, LOVE surgery, and love those times I actually get to be a doctor to someone but didn't feel this was meant to be what my life is about.   I could see myself abandoning ship, focusing on family and writing and advocacy and never looking back.  I compared my feeling to the clarity of marriage.  I married my husband with no feelings of "what if" or that I'd miss out on anything, there was no looking back, just a clear path forward.  The day I wrote the e-mail turned out to be a good day.  My chief resident actually helped me get some of my intern scut done without even asking and I got to operate a bit.   But, I felt the same way at the end of the day.  And 2 days into my vacation, after numerous pep talks from my husband, I feel the same way now.