just breathe

A couple days ago I was sitting on a window ledge, looking out on a cloudy day, falling apart on the phone to my mother.  I felt completely incapable of working a single second more.  I felt completely incapable of leaving that very spot.  My mom literally talked me off the ledge, I went back to work and it continued to be a terrible day until I called the admissions office about a kid who was getting admitted from a clinic visit.  The lady who always answers the phone has talked to me many times over this last year and I've never met her.  She asked me if I was okay.  I thought I was talking in my normal phone voice, but she told me I sounded terrible and she was worried about me because she always enjoys talking to me since I'm always pleasant when I call (a revelation to me).  And with that, I decided to stop sounding like crap, to stop looking like crap, and to stop feeling like crap.  The day didn't really get much better but now as I look back it felt like a turning point.  That same day one of the nurses on the floor gave me a pair of earrings because she overheard me say the other day that my crazy earrings are the one thing that keep me sane.  And now, just a few days later, I finally feel like I can breathe.

I hope this is the turning point in the year.  That I've reached the depth of my intern blues, I can't keep feeling like I'd been feeling.  I have this weekend off thanks to a random set of events. My husband and I are spending it being normal -  running errands, watching basketball,  shopping, cooking dinner.  I don't feel my usual pressure to make my rare weekends particularly amazing.  And finally I feel like Monday will come and I'll be okay.