Vacation again

Today is day 2 of my second vacation of the year.  I spent the morning writing notes that I didn't have time to write during my last two days of torture.  Now that the work stuff is done I finally feel free.  I go home in a few days.  I haven't been home in over a year.  I desperately need this break.

This last week was a hard week.  We have way too many patients for me to keep up with.  I felt like I was drowning all week, missed lots of meals, I barely had time to check my work e-mail even once in a day and literally felt guilty each time I went to the bathroom.  Each day I'd come home late and with work left to do.  Towards the middle of the week I wrote my husband a letter, during a time of clarity amidst madness, and I concluded that I don't want to do this.  That I LOVE, LOVE surgery, and love those times I actually get to be a doctor to someone but didn't feel this was meant to be what my life is about.   I could see myself abandoning ship, focusing on family and writing and advocacy and never looking back.  I compared my feeling to the clarity of marriage.  I married my husband with no feelings of "what if" or that I'd miss out on anything, there was no looking back, just a clear path forward.  The day I wrote the e-mail turned out to be a good day.  My chief resident actually helped me get some of my intern scut done without even asking and I got to operate a bit.   But, I felt the same way at the end of the day.  And 2 days into my vacation, after numerous pep talks from my husband, I feel the same way now.