Tomorrow I will be on call as the junior-in-house, meaning I take ER consult call, run traumas, take patient calls from home, go to all surgical codes and cover cardiac surgery patients. I was mostly calm until now, but now I'm pretty terrified. I feel like I'm going to vomit from nervousness. I'm terrified of the responsibility! I know I'll have great seniors working with me tomorrow but I'm pretty scared just the same. I've been talking out my feelings about tomorrow with my husband for the past hour and he's pretty successfully talking me off the ledge. I need to trust myself more and realize that I know more than I think I do. Also, on some level I should embrace the fear. Someone once told me that the most dangerous doctor is a fearless one. Fear implies recognition of the seriousness of my responsibility. So, tonight I will enjoy a pre-July 4th dinner with my husband at our favorite restaurant. Then I will go home and review and read on all the stuff I'll be responsible for tomorrow. And Sunday will come, and I will get through this and spend a sunny summer afternoon at home.
Part Two: Double Gloving
My husband actually asked me to write this one after telling him the story. I had my first needle stick of residency this past week. I got stuck about 4 times by other people as a medical student, but then I always wore two pair of gloves for additional protection and none of those times were my fault. However, after actually becoming a surgical resident and being involved in the actual operation I've pretty much stopped wearing two pairs of gloves. Most people don't double glove. It definitely makes your hands stiffer and hotter and more uncomfortable, so I just wear one pair of gloves. Well, last week while operating with one of my attendings he decided to ask me out of the blue if I wore two pair of gloves. I told him no, that I just wear one pair of thick gloves. He then gave me a brief lecture about the benefit and added safety of double gloving. Well, at the end of that operation, I took my gloves off and there was a tiny dot of blood at the end of my left index finger.
The patient we had operated on had no infections for me to worry about, but I got unbelievably upset. I had to stay in the room to get the patient transferred to post-operative unit, but my initial thought was that I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry because it happened. I wanted to cry because I'm accountable to more than just myself, I thought how me getting infected with something could affect my husband, or could change my life. I thought how I can be a risk to my patients. There is still a risk of needle stick with two pair of gloves on, but less. I've been double gloving ever since.
I don't know why this time bothered me so much. I was married when I got stuck in medical school and didn't want to cry. Something was different this time. I felt alone, irresponsible and angry.
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