Sabatical.

I will be taking a break from my blog for a while and working on some other writing ventures. Later!

forgetting how to live...

So, first of all, I know I haven't written in forever. And I've actually had a few things to write about, just not very much time. I attended a surgical conference and presented a poster. My outlook on work has been far less hopeless than its been for basically the last 1.5 years and we've had a few shake-ups in our class. But today, I'm writing about day 2 of my no plan vacation.

I am currently on the coveted 9.5 day vacation (Thursday call followed by a pre-vacation weekend off). It is indeed one of those vacations perfect for a long trip, I will however be stuck spending my 30th birthday golden vacation here in beautiful Durham, NC. Its Sunday night at 9pm and I have no idea what to do with myself. My husband and I just came from watching a movie. We went out last night for a joint birthday celebration for me and my co-resident and I cleaned the house Friday during the day. I have no conference to read for or cases to prepare for and although I could just read for knowledge, I feel thats a pretty pathetic vacation move. Its too early to go to bed, but too late to go anywhere. The Hawks are on TV. What am I supposed to do? What do normal people do on Sunday night at the end of a weekend off? I have no idea. So, I decided to write about it - not because its so interesting, but mostly because it gives me something to do with this nervous energy. I've forgotten how to be normal. After a weekend of normal sleeping patterns, I don't have the urge to just pass out like I normally do with every precious free moment. I actually managed to stay awake during the movie for the first time in a long while. If only I knew how to relax on a Sunday evening, then all would be perfect.

On a random note, my husband and I are trying to watch all the Oscar nominated movies using RedBox. So far we've done "The Hurt Locker" and "Up in the Air." Next up will be "Precious." Just finished Up in the Air today, it started out to be pretty much just a regular movie, but in the end its well done, makes you think a little. The Hurt Locker, also really good but not the greatest movie ever, lots of predictable parts, but again, its a thoughtful movie. I'm still waiting to be blown away. The Hurt Locker and Up in the Air were also both very relevant to the times. Oh, and "Up"! We saw that a few months ago (also from RedBox) - its awesome!

FYI - Don't be surprised if I come at you with another entry in a few minutes in my quest to determine something to do with myself before I reach an acceptable time for sleep.

being home

I haven't posted in a while. I nearly posted another entry on Haiti (I haven't gone). I planned to post about my experience on Surgical Oncology this time around, but I'm almost done now. So this is an update post, written from a coffee shop in a hospital in Nashville. I'm home today. My mom is having a minor surgery and at the coaxing of one of my attendings who pointed out our overstaffedness on Mondays - I decided to come down to be with her. I'm so happy I came. Home for just a day but I really missed my family. I love getting to see all of them. I'm happy I was there to sit beside her while she waited. By telling everyone that took a breath near her that I was a surgeon - she insured that I got to go to the off limits holding area and meet the entire team. Tomorrow, I will go back to work and work hard, but today I feel a bit prouder of the work I will do because today I have made her experience a little better just because she could tell everyone I was a surgeon, and because I could help put her at ease since I knew the details of her procedure. Her increased recognition through me, adds one notch in the list for why this is worth it.

More news: I am going to start working on another paper soon looking at breast cancer in young women. I'm excited about it and really think it will be an important study. I'm gathering up some mentors here and there and starting to feel like I do belong at this program. Last week I got an important sidebar of encouragement from two attendings here and it has really motivated me to work harder and have more confidence. I feel like it was a kick in the butt to remind me of what I really want. Unfortunately at the end of the week I was called at hom

e by the director of one of the departments only to be degraded about my incompetence. That was a bad few hours. Some tears were shed, but now I'm shaking it off and moving on and trying to actually learn from the experience.

Lastly, as mentioned many times before, my husband is amazing.

Delayed gratification

A few weeks ago, I saw a patient in the ER with belly pain. In taking her history I discovered that she had already had a tubal ligation (gotten her "tubes tied") and was only 24 years old! I wasn't even married at 24 and here was a woman who at 24 had determined that she was completely finished with her reproductive years. Most of my friends aren't even married yet, and only a few of those who are have kids. It baffled me the differences in the lives we lead. What normal can mean from one person to the next. My senior resident commented that we lead lives of delayed gratification. We delay the rest of our lives for our careers and the education it takes to get there. It made me wonder though, if we delay so much, will we actually be gratified in the end? I'm considering changing the name of this blog to delayed gratification - because thats what I'm really writing about. I'm constantly questioning if the sacrifice it worth it in the end, does the end even exist, or is everything just continually delayed and suffocated away by this quest for something I think I wanted. I want to go to Haiti for the relief efforts. Logistically, I'm not sure if I actually will do it, or if I have the guts. My husband, although he gets my reasoning, doesn't think its a safe idea. For me, it seems like it could be one thing that makes the "delay" worth it. A skill I have that I could use to actually matter and make me truly be proud of my profession. I need to feel something that comes from me. Some sense of honor and purpose, not the corporate, political, unnecessarily expensive, over-resourced system I work in day after day.

FYI - see post below as well, I just posted two in a row.

coming to an end...

I have two days left of night float. I survived the dreaded 6 week stint. I have to say though, that I'm not as thrilled for it to end as everyone expects me to be. True, the ER gets annoying and more of the consults are non-educational and unfullfilling, but for the nights when you get to see the good bread and butter general surgery stuff, or have good traumas where you can do a lot and actually make a difference, its worth it. I also think I might miss cardiac surgery a bit (at night I cover cardiac surgery in addition to ER consults and trauma). If it weren't for the fighting between attendings and the few terrible deaths over the past three months I think I would have really enjoyed the cardiac part. I like the critical care aspect. I've definitely developed in my ability to take care of acutely sick ICU patients and I've become a master of the ultrasound arterial line! Also, I think I like the solitude of night float. I've always known that I like the feel of the hospital at night - when its darker and quiet. I'm not exactly looking forward to getting thrown back into the fast paced madness.

On Wednesday, I return to the daylight and start my oncology rotation. Last year I thought oncology was the specialty I wanted to pursue. I'm not so sure now. My personality doesn't seem to fit with the people who chose it. And I'm not so sure I love the research which is a crucial part of the field. I'm also scared of facing one of the attendings that I'm writing a paper with - I get things done, but not with the ease that I'd like to. I will get to operate more, so I hope as Wednesday gets closer I'll at least be more excited about that.

Well, its bedtime for me (still on the night schedule). I've enjoyed my weird weekend of daytime sleeping. A much needed 2 days off. I feel re-centered (slightly). I wonder how long it will last this time!!

Insomnia

Its 2:00 am, I'm still on nights so even when I'm not at work I'm awake all night long. I had most of the day off but I slept during the day and now I can't go to sleep. My husband is asleep upstairs and I'm in the living room watching movies that we bought for $1 from the Blockbuster that is going out of business. 15 movies! We bought 15 movies and a book for $19. Now I have an infinite supply of mediocre movies to keep me up all night. I should take this time to study for my inservice exam which is in 3 weeks. Or, I could finish up the 8 progress notes from today that I haven't done, instead I'll probably just waste 3 or 4 hours or mindless TV. I'm tired, but not sleepy. And I'm getting sick of being such a night owl. Today was such a beautiful, sunny day and I slept through it. Now its the middle of the night and there's no where to go and no one to talk too!

My running and writing plans aren't going all that well. I ran 3 times this week. Each time was pretty pathetic. I haven't written anything since my last blog entry. Residency makes me incapable of sustaining any other interest. As far as work goes, I have nothing much to add from this week. Normal stuff, mostly busy, not much operating. I hope this next week will be a decent one - I'm starting to want to quit again!

Ok, well I think I'll continue on with my rambling. Feel free to stop reading at this point because I'm unlikely to say anything too interesting, but I'm too bored to stop. The movie I'm watching now is set in New York (as many movies are) - its really making me miss NY, so many clear shots of the city in places that I identify. Alright, enough for now.

stuff

I've committed to start running and writing daily as a result of reading reviews on Haruke Murakami's book about doing both. It was not really a New Year's resolution but more of a enlightened vacation moment that can only be reached with some free time away from work. So far so good. I wrote every day that I was away for New Years and I ran the first day back. I woke up a bit late this afternoon for work (I'm working nights), so todays running came in the form of playing "tag" outside with my husband. (Yes, we really played tag "you're it!" out in the cold!)

As for work, I don't have much to add. It doesn't take long being back from vacation for the bitterness to set back in. Last night was a pretty easy night, not many consults, cardiac patients not too sick. However, I ended my day by harpooning my thumb with a large bore dirty needle - completely ruined my mood - and it HURT! I hate sticking myself! I know that no one likes it, but those bad dirty needlesticks make me instantly feel guilty.