Merry Christmas!

I just finished day 4 of my Christmas call extravaganza. And last night was a robust finish to the madness - we raked in a record number of consults, had a couple of appy's and a couple of traumas. A well rounded 30 hours of mayhem.

I am mentally spent. I can't think straight for trying. This was the first Christmas I have ever worked. Although I'm really excited about spending a nice New Years in the mountains with my husband - I must say that it feels strange not to be with family on Christmas.

Moving forward

I'm writing this blog at my new dining room table with its brand new set of chairs - ensemble completed today. After a year and a half in our pretty little house we finally actually have a table. I can't stop looking at it. I can't stop sitting at it. Finally this is starting to feel like home.

I'm adjusting, at least for now, to being here, to being a resident, to planning to finish what I've decided to get myself into. After a strong, energetic start to the year I've been in a pretty severe spiral of misery over the last few months. I have cried, often over nothing in particular, more than any normal human being should. But for the last few days I've been looking forward. I just got an abstract accepted for a poster presentation and I'm working on a new project now. I am finally formulating some career ideas. I feel like I have a few more tools to make it through.

Post call

I'm post call today. Most of the afternoon was spent sleeping with a brief break for football watching and now back to sleeping. This year I definitely feel like I'm in a constant daze - always either grinding it out at the hospital or home sleep or trying unsuccessfully not to fall asleep. Despite all this however, I'm finally start to feel more comfortable with this year. My first few nights on call this year I was terrified. Terrified of having to quickly place a line or help an intern with a chest tube, feeling unqualified to do it myself. But, I realized last night, that the fear is starting to subside. At some point during this year (which is flying by), I became confident in my little subset of second year appropriate tasks. My favorite moment last night was sitting out on the bench in the front of the hospital in the quiet rain and just taking in some air. I sat there for about 15 minutes with no pages. Deep breaths, regroup, keep going.

The Floodgates

My husband is upstairs asleep in our bedroom and I'm in our living room, restless. I just popped "The Notebook" into the DVD player and I know in advance I will be bawling by the end. I had dinner with two other residents on Friday night and we started discussing books and our inability not to cry when reading remotely sad books, watching sad movies or even watching a sitcom with even the slightest tinge of a sad undertone. Now all three of us are surgery residents and likely grew up as girl power tomboys and I'm pretty sure in our younger days we didn't cry over or even watch sappy movies, so why now - coping. We watch people die and families experience what we know to be life-altering losses and we keep going. With no sleep and little rest and terrible food we keep going. We mention the condensed version of our sad stories to another resident or maybe even our families, but we do not grieve, or reflect, or truly get to feel anything. As a result, we cry at other things that aren't real to keep from crying about the things that are. But, every now and them something breaks through the veil and the floodgates open and you feel everything you haven't cried about for months and months. I recently learned that a friend of mine was pregnant with twins. I felt awful that I didn't already know, realizing how much we'd fallen out of touch. Friday night she lost her twins. I haven't stopped crying since.

Dear friend - Much love and prayer always to you and your family.

just a little note, then back to solitude...

I know I'm on hiatus but I took a little vacation this weekend (therefore a break from my veil of anger and negativity) and I must write a note about this movie theater my husband and I found. Its called La Mez (I think), in Charlotte, and its an upscale movie theatre! You have assigned seating in plush cabernet colored loveseats and can order gourmet food from the Mez restaurant bar to take with you in your movie. So I watched "Couples Retreat" this weekend while sipping on wine and eating an artichoke and feta cheese flatbread pizza and cozying up with my hubby on a loveseat! So fun and sexy! (Unfortunately the movie kinda sucked)

signing off..

surg

Hiatus

I am taking a writing hiatus for a bit and just writing in my personal journal. Not much is professionally changing for me and residency continues to be tough every day. I'm going to reflect and come up with some useful things to say and then I'll be back.

Miracles do happen

It seems impossible for me to write this. To explain what happened to me last week, what transpired in the life of my patient, his family, my team and all those who heard his story. I'm just finishing up a week of vacation - a week away to gain some perspective - and I want to share this story.

I never got to meet him prior to his surgery. He was coming in for a liver transplant. One of the few people who was still pretty healthy before his transplant, he was just at the cut-off of even being sick enough to qualify for a transplant. I would later learn that in addition to working, he also still played soccer with his kids on a regular basis. As the second year resident on the team it was my job to go out and procure the liver. I left before he arrived at the hospital. We drove out in a limo to a random hospital in a part of the state that I'd never seen. We were there with a heart team, a lung team and an eye team to follow us. The liver looked smooth and healthy, aside from a slight tinge of yellow. We arrived back at my hospital mid day and since I figured the surgery would be over in a few hours I initially stuck around after getting some work done. Five hours later with lots of surgery left to go, I headed home to shower and spend some time with my husband before going back to help manage the patient post operatively. Eventually I got the page that they were rolling out of the OR soon. I headed back, worried that I might have a difficult night on my hands given the length of the surgery but having no idea what I was really in for.

I never sat down that first night. My patient's blood pressure would not hold, his lungs showed signs of failure. He required twice his entire blood volume in blood transfusions every two hours. He was bleeding uncontrollably - from everywhere. Later that night he had to be essentially re-operated on at bedside as other organs showed signs of failing. The following day he was re-operated on again. The following evening we removed his liver.

His new liver had essentially died inside his body and was killing him. He was on suprahuman doses of life supporting medication. His lungs were starting to work against the ventilator and he would not stop bleeding. So the liver came out. For those who don't know - the liver is not an organ you can live without. The second the liver came out - the clock started ticking. He had probably one day, three at best. He needed a new liver. The amazing thing was, once the sick liver was removed he started to do better - he started to wake up! This is when I sent out my plea for prayers. We worried that his brain no longer functioned after all he had been through. His neurologic exam prior to removing his liver had shown many signs consistent with brain death. Then he woke up.

He fought for three days. Most didn't expect him to survive more than 24 hours without a liver. He survived three days. I spend countless hours beside his bed, staying there in shifts alternating with my chief resident - my attending was also always present (he probably slept less than anyone). And on the third day he got a liver. 3 offers on the third day - we took the closest. As he headed into surgery again, I touched his arm and told him, I couldn't wait to meet him.

The hospital around me changed during this experience. People I don't know asked how he was doing. Said they were praying for him. Many nurses commented that his story has reminded them that miracles still do happen in the hospital. We all work so hard in a broken system with few clear rewards. His story has touched many and renewed faith in healing.

As I headed out of the ICU and out of the hospital to begin my vacation last weekend, my attending called me over and asked me to follow him. He took me to our patients room who sat their with an oxygen mask over his face. He looked over at us and said "hello." I told him I was so happy to meet him.

Before all this happened, I again questioned my choice in career. Feeling stiffled in my personal life because of the time I've dedicated to career I wondered if I made the right choice. I wanted to quit. This experience demonstrated to me on a grand scale the good in what we do. We all play our parts. My attending has been a phenomenal role model in all of this. He always believed when others made it clear they thought his efforts were futile. He didn't sleep or rest and his operative skill helped save this patients life. The nurses who took care of our patient fought tirelessly for him. They fed us and kept him alive while we slept. His family did not give up on him. His wife was there for him in every way. Even now I sometimes can't believe that he made it through. That it really was so bad. Miracles do happen.

and guess what...

IT HAPPENED! Thanks for those who prayed. This is the craziest most amazing week of my residency. More later...

a simple request..

To all who follow my blog... I could be in the middle of witnessing a miracle. Please pray for my patient.

a break?

I just completed day one of my first conference as a doctor.  Its essentially an intensive minimally invasive surgery course for residents, most of which are senior residents - I am the youngest (professionally, not chronologically) of the bunch!  And, it was an intense day.  I think I learned and did more today of educational value than of any day since I started residency.  Its exciting and scary as I look forward to tomorrow which promises to be even more challenging.  I'm meeting really awesome people, despite the occasional moment when I've had to will my introvert away.  I hope tomorrow will feel just as full.  

Now time for Vogue magazine, TV and relaxation until tomorrow.

A day off

I have a day off today.  A surprise weekday off to prevent me from working 20 days straight. It feels great.  I went to the gym this morning, had a smoothie and then just came home and stood outside.  I just stood and stared at the trees behind my house.  I just stood and thought about my life.  I stood there, and I didn’t feel rushed or hurried.  I felt like I had all the time in the world to just stand and be still and look out at the trees.  Now I’m sitting on the floor of the deck.  I have no desire to actually sit in a proper chair.  I laid on the floor for about 20 minutes just looking up at the sky and closing my eyes when the sun got too bright.  I bathed myself in sunlight.  And, despite this solitary time of freedom, I thankfully feel clarity about my work and where my life is going.  I don’t want to quit like I do when things are hurried.  I feel ok.  I feel ok that I’ll be working this weekend.  I feel okay that I have at least 3 years of this left.  I feel okay with my choices and the fact that things are being postponed in my pursuit.  Ok that I can’t do everything.  I feel okay.

I’m off to shower now and enjoy the rest of my free day.

home call...

I just started my transplant rotation last week.  I did two rotations on transplant last year and now I'm back as a second year.  I had been looking forward to it.  I didn't hate transplant as an intern, I figured this year would be even better. . . I was wrong.  I take call at home as a second year and have to drive into the hospital anytime something bad is going down.  The last few days of work have been a bit brutal and tonight I had a few calls early making it hard to get to sleep.  Well, after finally a few uninterrupted hours I just got a call that pretty much means I need to head in early, despite the fact that I didn't need to be at work today until 7 - a gift I was cherishing.  Now its 4 in the morning and after I write this last sentence I'll run upstairs and take a quick shower and head back to work again.  

I'd love to write more, but I have to get to work. Urggh.

Heat WAVE!

I start my transplant rotation tomorrow  and need to study but I can't concentrate because there's a heat wave in my house.  Today marks day 4 of our air conditioner outage and the high today was 95 degrees.  It is 10:00 at night and 88 degrees in my house! OW!!  The air conditioner man came by today and we need a whole new system!!!!!! AHHHHH!!!!!!! In the meantime we'll just keep toughing it out in here!

I survived my first rotation of second year, and aside from how hot I am right now, it was pretty good!

p.s. my first patient this morning didn't want a black surgeon operating on her, my attending let me do more of the case than ever.  He turned a sucky situation into a great operative experience for me, and her surgery went great . . . TAKE THAT!!!

Sleep strike!!!

I am, as we speak, engaging in a sleep strike.  My husband and I are staying up to watch a movie - he surprised me with what he knows is my secret weakness - a chick flic.  And he's currently making me coffee in the kitchen so I don't fall asleep during the opening credits.  We are laughing in the face of my ridiculous hours and staying up together to watch a movie!  I couldn't be happier.  I'm actually post call today and its been marvelous.  I actually got out early this morning - so more like a 27 hour shift instead of 30.  I slept and then I WENT TO THE DENTIST!!!  Its sad but I'm so excited that I actually to go to the dentist, its taken a year, but thanks again to the help of my hubby I magically got squeezed in on my only day in months that would have worked!! 

Call last night hurt.  I got approximately 34 minutes of non-consecutive sleep the entire call.  I was a total goofy giggly nutcase by the morning.  As a non-intern I've now been upgraded to taking ICU call, and last night we had a record number of patients.  But I survived and all the patients survived with me, so I count it a victory!

Well, that's all for now, coffee is ready, and since my previous debacle, coffee it is no longer allowed near the laptop.  I am off to watch a delicious movie and sip some marvelous gourmet coffee and although I'll likely pay for it in the morning, I can already tell its going to be worth it!

Nothing much new

So, I'm about a month into second year, it feels comfortable enough.  I'm on call tomorrow.  I'm doing a better job at organizing my life in general.  I have to work on some research stuff today/tonight and I hope not to suck at it.

I've become much more comfortable operating and I'm trying to find the best way to document what I'm learning so that I can do this stuff independently at some point.

Ok, so I really don't have anything interesting to say.  I just really felt like writing something.  So what follows is just a list of my random thoughts:

 I start a new rotation in a little over a week.  I'm planning my anniversary vacation trip.  I'm watching "He's Just Not That Into You" on repeat. I am becoming the family spokesperson for all things medical which isn't so bad, I feel good to be able to help when I can.  I am slightly shaken by the number of people I keep finding out are pregnant.  My house still looks like we just moved in.  And nothing much new has happened.

Sleep deprivation

I almost got my paycheck suspended because I hadn't taken my life balance quiz that residents have to take every year.  How ironic that my life was too unbalanced to allow me the time to even take the test,  the best part was reading about the perils of sleep deprivation and realizing that all of those side effects have taken control of me.  Humans were not made to sleep this little.  I am SO tired.  I am tired every morning when I drive to work bringing me nearly to tears.  My legs hurt, my feet hurt, I'm hungry and thirsty and holding pee all day.  I am reaching my limit.  My temper is short.  I am never home when I am home I'm sleepy or mean.  I have this weekend off and desperately need to go away somewhere, but that is another battle.  I need to leave, I need to separate.  I don't have much more energy left.  I feel like I seriously "reside" in the hospital.  I need someone to talk to, but I don't even know if I have the time.

Take back

In the end all works out ok, but today was a bit of a backstep from my high flying reflections of yesterday.  I got EMBARRASSED in conference this morning - totally blindsided.  Even the normally tough people were commenting about how I was getting picked on.  Later in the day I realized one of my decisions on a patient from last week was wrong, buying him 2 months of nasty wound care.  Today, I anticipated getting out at a reasonable time and getting a chance to be normal and spend time with my husband.   I left at 8pm.  Today was just a sort of crappy day.  But, at the end it doesn't feel as awful as I expected because despite my beating, there were just as many people there in my corner and encouraging me and reminding me that some people really are here to teach us and care that we become good surgeons and good doctors.  Today I am thankful for them.

Better... (the sequel)

So, this year is so much better.  I know its still new and shiny and destined to dull and fray a bit, but its better.  I shock myself daily by how much less of an idiot I am than I think.  I actually know stuff.  I often don't realize I know it until interns ask me about things that have become 2nd nature to me now.  My calls are much better.  They are hard and tiring but I feel like I'm doing something that contributes to making things work.  I feel valid.  I don't think of quitting every five seconds.  For the first time since I started, I think I can honestly SEE myself making it through this process.  I love my days.  I see my ICU patients and consult patients and get to think through their problems and discuss what I think.  People actually want me in the OR.  I have lots of thoughts and lots to say but I think thats enough for now -- I'm tired and its late.  I just wanted to drop a note just to say that things are better.

A two parter...

Part One: Terrification

Tomorrow I will be on call as the junior-in-house, meaning I take ER consult call, run traumas, take patient calls from home,  go to all surgical codes and cover cardiac surgery patients.  I was mostly calm until now, but now I'm pretty terrified.  I feel like I'm going to vomit from nervousness.  I'm terrified of the responsibility!  I know I'll have great seniors working with me tomorrow but I'm pretty scared just the same.  I've been talking out my feelings about tomorrow with my husband for the past hour and he's pretty successfully talking me off the ledge.  I need to trust myself more and realize that I know more than I think I do.  Also, on some level I should embrace the fear.  Someone once told me that the most dangerous doctor is a fearless one.  Fear implies recognition of the seriousness of my responsibility.  So, tonight I will enjoy a pre-July 4th dinner with my husband at our favorite restaurant.  Then I will go home and review and read on all the stuff I'll be responsible for tomorrow.  And Sunday will come, and I will get through this and spend a sunny summer afternoon at home.

Part Two: Double Gloving

My husband actually asked me to write this one after telling him the story.  I had my first needle stick of residency this past week.  I got stuck about 4 times by other people as a medical student, but then I always wore two pair of gloves for additional protection and none of those times were my fault.  However, after actually becoming a surgical resident and being involved in the actual operation I've pretty much stopped wearing two pairs of gloves.  Most people don't double glove.  It definitely makes your hands stiffer and hotter and more uncomfortable, so I just wear one pair of gloves.  Well, last week while operating with one of my attendings he decided to ask me out of the blue if I wore two pair of gloves.  I told him no, that I just wear one pair of thick gloves.  He then gave me a brief lecture about the benefit and added safety of double gloving.  Well, at the end of that operation, I took my gloves off and there was a tiny dot of blood at the end of my left index finger.

The patient we had operated on had no infections for me to worry about, but I got unbelievably upset.  I had to stay in the room to get the patient transferred to post-operative unit, but my initial thought was that I wanted to cry.  I wanted to cry because it happened.  I wanted to cry because I'm accountable to more than just myself, I thought how me getting infected with something could affect my husband, or could change my life.  I thought how I can be a risk to my patients.  There is still a risk of needle stick with two pair of gloves on, but less.  I've been double gloving ever since.

I don't know why this time bothered me so much.  I was married when I got stuck in medical school and didn't want to cry.  Something was different this time.   I felt alone, irresponsible and angry.

need help, please advise...

I'm over a week into my new role and in many ways its awesome!  I actually feel like I'm in training to become something.  But today I feel tired.  I have already worked 70 hours and I have a full day and a 30 hour call left in the week.  I just almost passed out at the gym today, and I'm being an emotional and snappy wife.  I got off "early" today, at 7:30, and was so excited to actually do something fun with my husband.  But we ended up not talking and not doing much of anything because I'm just tired and cranky.  So, I'm looking for help.  I just finished browsing all the resident websites, reading facebook posts of fellow surgery residents elsewhere, grasping at straws because I need someone to help me know how to do this.  How to be a present wife and invested in the way I need to be.  Again, I think of kids and how I would ever possibly be able to juggle.  One of our chiefs is pregnant and is jokingly/seriously considering retiring her scalpel post baby.  How do I do this?  I just want someone to talk to.

me

Transitions, a.k.a. "crossing over"

I am officially not an intern anymore and its great. First, my pager is no longer evil. Also, suddenly I get significantly more respect from nurses, which is sort of crazy because its only been 3 days, am I really that different of a person! But, also they all seem really proud of us for making it through which is nice. I get to operate A LOT more and I feel like I'm operating with the intent of truly teaching me to be a surgeon. I feel more like a part of something. I feel even closer to my class since there's less of us now and we work together more. I've been at work for crazy hours these last few days but it may also be the first 3 days straight that I want to stay. I hope the feeling doesn't wear off.

I love my new white coat and the the way the thick material hits the back of my knees. I feel people looking at me differently, although I'm sure its in my head. I have a coat with my name on it.

Additional reflections...

My last entry of intern year was a bit of a somber reflection. However, at the end of that call, my husband surprised me after my post-call nap with a steak dinner and a movie to celebrate my survival. He congratulated me on what an acheivement it was to finish intern year. He smiled proudly at me, and it made me look differently at what finishing this year means. He asked me to reflect on my intern year, he hadn't read my post, and with his smiling face I couldn't give my somber blog reply. So, I reflected on what I learned about myself, the specialties I think I may be leaning towards. The stuff I know and don't know. Talking about it made me realize how much I've learned and how far I've come in a year, and all while comfortably having a wonderful dinner, just me and my hubby.

I slept through half of the movie (I was tired and post call) but loved it just the same. When I got home I was surprised with a Carvel ice cream cake with a #1 candle on it. One year down!

Its been a while.

Tomorrow is my last call of intern year. The last call to hold the evil intern pager. The life of a surgery intern is drawing to a close. This year has been the most painful year of my life. However, now that I'm on the other side of it, everything feels like a blur -- like it happened a really long time ago and yesterday at the same time. At times this has felt like the longest year of my life. I have unfortunately wished many a day to pass by. I feel empty a lot. I'd like to say that at the same time its been awesome, but it hasn't. I love my fellow residents. I have been a part of some amazing operations. I have met patients that I will never forget. But, I have no hallmark greeting card insights. All I can say is that I survived. I am choosing to keep going. I believe on more days that not that the goal is worth it, even if the day by day journey doesn't seem to be.

I hope to keep writing in this blog as the life of a surgery intern becomes the life of a surgery resident. In 6 days I'll have a coat with my name on it and a new set of fears and responsibilities. Thanks for coming along with me for the ride so far.

goodbye little MacBook, goodbye...

So . . . I fried my laptop. My cute, beautiful little white MacBook. It was only a few months old - a graduation gift from the hubby, and in seconds, I destroyed it. Who knew a drop of coffee on a laptop kills it dead! I get to the Apple store and they tell me if I left it off and dried it out and didn't try to turn it on for a few days it might have had a chance. Of course I had been pressing the "on" button at 15 second intervals for the past hour! Newsflash - when laptops are sold they should say "Congratulations on your purchase of an extremely fragile machine, never drink anything around it or it will explode!" I mean, come on, people buy laptops for portability. You take them to coffee shops, you sip on wine while online shopping - WHO KNEW!!! So, I type this entry on my husband's big clunky business appropriate ThinkPad and remember my cute little laptop, that sits in our office like an overpriced display item.

p.s. of course, I never back-up!

On a lighter note, I am currently on vacation. Didn't go anywhere or do much of anything except laundry and watch Sex and the City and Lost (we made this one a "staycation"). It was great to just get up everyday with nothing to do. I found a marvelous little used bookshop and bought nearly all of their Nikki Giovanni books (at least the ones I didn't already have). I've spent most of today sitting outside - on our deck, at the little market in Carrboro with the cute green picnic tables - its marvelous. Vacation on a beautiful day - what could be better!

and a secret shout-out to my most loyal reader (I should be okay since this isn't facebook) - CONGRATULATIONS!!!! your news made my week!! :)

just breathe

A couple days ago I was sitting on a window ledge, looking out on a cloudy day, falling apart on the phone to my mother.  I felt completely incapable of working a single second more.  I felt completely incapable of leaving that very spot.  My mom literally talked me off the ledge, I went back to work and it continued to be a terrible day until I called the admissions office about a kid who was getting admitted from a clinic visit.  The lady who always answers the phone has talked to me many times over this last year and I've never met her.  She asked me if I was okay.  I thought I was talking in my normal phone voice, but she told me I sounded terrible and she was worried about me because she always enjoys talking to me since I'm always pleasant when I call (a revelation to me).  And with that, I decided to stop sounding like crap, to stop looking like crap, and to stop feeling like crap.  The day didn't really get much better but now as I look back it felt like a turning point.  That same day one of the nurses on the floor gave me a pair of earrings because she overheard me say the other day that my crazy earrings are the one thing that keep me sane.  And now, just a few days later, I finally feel like I can breathe.

I hope this is the turning point in the year.  That I've reached the depth of my intern blues, I can't keep feeling like I'd been feeling.  I have this weekend off thanks to a random set of events. My husband and I are spending it being normal -  running errands, watching basketball,  shopping, cooking dinner.  I don't feel my usual pressure to make my rare weekends particularly amazing.  And finally I feel like Monday will come and I'll be okay.

Vacation again

Today is day 2 of my second vacation of the year.  I spent the morning writing notes that I didn't have time to write during my last two days of torture.  Now that the work stuff is done I finally feel free.  I go home in a few days.  I haven't been home in over a year.  I desperately need this break.

This last week was a hard week.  We have way too many patients for me to keep up with.  I felt like I was drowning all week, missed lots of meals, I barely had time to check my work e-mail even once in a day and literally felt guilty each time I went to the bathroom.  Each day I'd come home late and with work left to do.  Towards the middle of the week I wrote my husband a letter, during a time of clarity amidst madness, and I concluded that I don't want to do this.  That I LOVE, LOVE surgery, and love those times I actually get to be a doctor to someone but didn't feel this was meant to be what my life is about.   I could see myself abandoning ship, focusing on family and writing and advocacy and never looking back.  I compared my feeling to the clarity of marriage.  I married my husband with no feelings of "what if" or that I'd miss out on anything, there was no looking back, just a clear path forward.  The day I wrote the e-mail turned out to be a good day.  My chief resident actually helped me get some of my intern scut done without even asking and I got to operate a bit.   But, I felt the same way at the end of the day.  And 2 days into my vacation, after numerous pep talks from my husband, I feel the same way now.

Tired

After 40 consecutive hours of being awake, I'm lying in my bed, completely incapable of falling asleep.  I am quietly restless.  I'm days away from vacation, another marathon call between me and freedom and I'm just tired.  And, by the way, my miracle died.  I come home each night from work and read her obituary (which stays minimized on my screen) and look at the online gallery - stealing glances at her life.  I don't know why.

Miracles...

I grew up believing in miracles.  I believed in miracles in simple terms - the impossible becoming possible.  Growing older brings with it facts and realities that threatens this broad definition of a miracle, as a doctor I feel that even more so.  I find myself questioning my definition of a miracle.  There will always be many medical stories of people told they had no chance, counted as dead, who ultimately survived.  People walk out of impossible situations every day.  I understand the concept of against all odds.  But the more I see, the more I wonder when the odds become insurmountable.  Is there a point where the possibility of miracle goes away?  Once destruction of the body reaches a certain point, once it is widespread ... where is the room for miracles?

As the year goes by...

I am now half of the way through with my intern year, and I'm not sad that its going by fast although the road ahead doesn't exactly look any less crazy. I finally feel a bit settled and thankful for many experiences and people that have come into my life so far.  I am trying to start this year with a non-negative attitude.  I know I can't be just happy all the time, that's both impossible and ridiculous but I'll seek to stay away from the dark side.  I don't consider this a New Years resolution however, I just consider it a result of me being tired of how I felt and having a few days to regroup.  

I went to my in laws for Christmas.  It was a surprise - we didn't want to tell them just in case something came up at the last minute.  We drove 14 hours to get there!!!  But the drive was great for me, I got a guaranteed 28 hours alone with my husband - pretty much impossible otherwise - and I got too be outside.  Outside of the confines of the hospital and outside of the boredom of this little town that we live in.  I needed this.  Our destination was warm and sunny and even though this is a newer addition to my family I got to be taken care of in a way only a mother can take care of you. We drove back a day before I had to be back to work to start a painful few days of nearly constant call over the New Years holiday.  And on that day before going back I got my Christmas gift . . . a day at the spa.  My husband had gotten me exactly what I wanted Christmas - calm.  It was such a thoughtful gift and it did the job, his thoughtfulness alone makes me want to hang on to the feeling.

Lastly, on our drive back from celebrating Christmas with my husbands family we stopped in to see my grandmother - my fathers mother who I see less often just because she lives so far away.  She was currently in a nursing home - only briefly as she rehabbed after surgery.  She is wonderfully stubborn and refuses living anywhere but in her own house so this was a big compromise for her!  It was her 80th birthday the day we saw her and she looked great.  We talked about normal catching up stuff and then got to the topic of her surgery, she had just had her colon removed.  She looked at me more proudly than I can ever remember as I examined her incision and a small portion of it that hadn't healed.  I reassured her that she didn't have to stop living her life just because of the surgery.  I never felt happier to know exactly what I know.  I never felt more driven to keep going.  I now have something real to work towards, something that matters . . . I want to live up to the vision of me I saw through her eyes.